WELL . . . I GUESS I COULD START OFF BY INTRODUCING MYSELF: IAM KAILTYN SMITH IAM 15 I HAVE 7 BROTHERS AND 4 SISTERS. MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN HARD BT IT ESPECIALLY GOT WORSE WHEN I MOVED TO ARIZONA WHEN I WAS 6 OR 7. YEAH MY LIFE KIND OF WENT DOWN HILL.. ROUND THIS TIME MY DAD WAS IN PRISON; LIKE ALWAYS HE DID THE DUMMEST THINGS TO GET ARRESTED. BT BEATING LISA WAS THE WORST. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING. AND ONE TIME SHE GOT MAD AT ME BC WHEN SHE TOLD ME TO CALL THE COPS TO "SCARE MY DAD". I DID. AND SHE GOT ALL MAD AT ME WHEN THE POLICE KICKED DOWN THE FRONT DOOR AND HOG TIED HIM AND PEPPER SPRAYED HIM.(he shouldnt have been hitting lisa). OH WELL. . . AND MY MOM WAS STRUGGLIN' TO SURVIVE WITH 2 KIDS AND ONE ON THE WAY. AFTER (lisa)MY MOM HAD MY YOUNGER BROTHER I BEGAN TO RAISE MY LITTLE BROTHER AN YEAH WELL BASICALLY EVER SINCE HE WAS BORN TIL ABOUT 3. THEN THATS WHEN MY MOM HAD YET ANOTHER CHILD LILYRAVEN MY FIRST SISTER. BT SHE DIDNT REALY FEEL LIKE IT THOUGH BC SHE NEVER CAME HOME. CPS TOOK HER INTO THEIR CUSTODY WHILE SHE WAS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL. IT WAS CRAZY MY MOM WAS ON DRUGS AND SHE BEING A DUMMY ; TRIED TO FUFILL THE NEVER STATISFYABLE HIGH THAT ALL JUNKiiES CRAVE FOR. THUS WHEN MY SISTER WAS BORN SHE TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE DISGUSTING TOXINS LISA {MY MOTHER} WAS INJECTING INTO BOTH OF THEM... I MEAN I COULD UNDERSTAND IF SHE WANTED TO DESTROY HER OWN LIFE ; BT TO DESTROY A NON BORN CHILD. IS JUST WORNG. AND JUST THE FACT THAT SHE DID IT IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HER KIDS LIVED, SLEPT, AND TRIED TO STAY ABOVE WATER.... BT N/E WAYS BACK TO WHAT HAPPEND NEXT. AFTER CPS TOOK MY LIL SISTER , SHE STAYED IN THE HOSPITAL AND WE HAD TO COME AND VISIT HER SO MANY DAYS OUT OF A WEEK. SO THIS ONE DAY I WAS IN SCHOOL AND LISA WENT TO GO AND VISIT HER ALONG WITH LILYRAVENS DAD AND MY LIL BROTHER JACOB. AFTER THE VISIT ALL OF THEM STRATED WALKING OVER TO THE CAR AND JACOB STRAPPED HIMSELF IN AND CARLOS GOT IN THE CAR..... LISA TAPED ON THE WINDOW AND SAID "ARE YOU GONE UNLOCK THE DOOR?". . . BT THEN CARLOS DROVE AWAY AND LEFT LISA THERE AND TURNED JACOB INTO CPS... THEY MADE UP SOME OL' BULL ISH STORY BOUT HOW CARLOS WAS JACOBS DAD AND HE WAS CONCERND AND ALL THIS DUMB STUFF. SO THATS WHEN JACOB GOT TAKEN. . MY LIL HEART FELT AS THOUGH SOMEONE HAD PLUNGED THEIR FIST RIGHT IN AND GRASPED IT AND YANKED IT OUT WHEN I HAD TO GO AND SEE HIM UP IN MCDONALDS FOR OUR VISITS; I GUESS IT WAS REALLY BC ME AND JOSH COULD NEVER EAT. . . WELL LISA COULD NEVER AFFORD IT. AND EVERYTIME WE LEFT HE CLUTCHED ON TO ME SO HARD AN CRIED HIS EYES OUT.. {I DNT THINK ANYONE COULD IMAGINE WHAT I FELT. . MOST PEOPLE SAY THAT I WOULDNT KNO WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOOSE A CHILD. YEAH WELL I DO! AND IT HURTS SO BAD} NO WORDS COULD EXPLAIN WHAT I FELT; OR WHAT IAM FEELING. BUT MOVING RIGHT ALONG. . . THE NEXT VISITS WERE NOW BEING HELD IN A CPS BUILDING ON SOUTHERN AND I DNT REMEBER WHAT THE OTHER CROSSRROAD WAS. BT YEAH SO WE STARTED SEEING JACOB AND OCCASIONALLY CARLOS WOULD BRING LILY BY. AND WE'D BE GRACED BY HER PRESENCE. BT ONE PARTICULAR DAY {[[JULY 24, 2004]]} THIS LADY NAMED DEBRA SHE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND ASKED IF SHE COULD SPEAK WITH ME AND MY ELDEST BROTHER JOSHUA. MY MOTHER GAVE HER A NASTY LOOK FILLED WITH DISGUST. YET SHE SAID YES TRYING TO BE COOPERATIVE; THEREFORE THE COUNSELOR MAY SEE "MENTAL RECOVERY"OR WHAT EVER THEY MIGHT CALL IT.. DEBRA LEAD US TO AN OFFICE IN THE FAR BACK OF THE BUILDING. WHERE THIS OL' GUM CHEWING OLD MAN. I MEAN HE HAD ONE OF HIS DRARWS FULL OF A HUNDRED DIFF KINDS OF GUM.. I WAS LOOKKIN REAL HARD LIKE UHM...ARE YOU OKAY? LOL. BT THEN HE GAVE ME AND JOSH ARE OWN PACKS; JUST BC HE HAD SO MANY TO SPARE. . . YOU COULD ONLY IMAGINE HOW NASTY HIS TEETH WAS LOOKING; LIKE ROTTING CORN ON THE COBB. . . EEEW. . .THAT WAS NASTY. BT N/E WAYS WE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING; TEARS FILLED OUR EYES TO THE BRIM, BT NOT SO FAR THAT IT WOULD ROLL DOWN THE SIDE OF OUR CHEEKS. . . SHE LEFT US IN THAT OFFICE FOR A MINUTE THEN CAME BACK WITH SOME BAG OF RANCH DORITO'S, FRUIT PUNCH CAPRI SUN, AND SOME WHITE CHEDDAR CHEEZE ITS; DNT ASK HOW I REMEBER THAT. ITS ALWAYS THE WIERD STUFF THAT IS REMEMEBERED. THEN SHE LEFT AGAIN AND TYPED UP SOME CRAZY OVER EXXXAGGGGURATED REPORT BOUT WE WAS STARVING AND THAT MY MOTHER WAS NEGLECTING US. SO WHEN SHE CAME BACK THE TEARS OVERFLOWED THE BRIM AND THEY BAGAN TO FLOW. THE TEARS BLURRED OUR VISION; THE SALTY TASTEDRIPPED OVER MY LIPS; I HATE THAT TASTE. AS WE WALKED OUT TO THIS OLD UGLY RED VAN. WHICH WOULD TAKE US TO OUR NEW HOME. {MIND YOU DEBRA NEVER MENTIOND TO LISA THAT SHE WAS DOING THIS OR EVEN DISCUSSED WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN} WE ALL ENDED UP SEPARATED. ME IN PEORIA. JOSH IN GLENDALE. JACOB IN LITCHFIELD. AND LILY IN MESA. DANG THEY JUST HAD US ALL OVER THE PLACE. THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SEEN MY BROTHER CRY I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT THAT I WOULD SEE JOSH CRYNG BC OF ME. . . WELL MAYBE IT WASNT ME AND IT WAS JUST THE FACT THAT WE WERE ALL SEPARATED AND THAT WE ALL GOING TO LIVE WITH ASOME OL' ANONIMOUS PEOPLE. I WAS THE FIRST TO BE DROPPED OFF. AND I STAYED THERE FOR ABOUT 2 1/2 YEARS, THEN ONE MERACULAS DAY. THE GROUP HOME MANAGER PICKED ME UP FROM SCHOOL AND SAID I NEEDED TO HURY UP AND PACK MY STUFF B/C I WAS GOING HOME.. ME AND JOSH ONLY(JACOB WAS UP FOR ADOPTION AND LILY WASNT IN THE PICTURE ANY MORE). SO WHEN DEBRA CAME SHE HAD ALREADY PICKED UP JOSH AND WE HEADED OVER TO OUR "NEW/ OLD HOME" BT THIS IS SOME MESSED UP LIFE I LIVED. 5 HOURS LATER THE POLICE AND DEBRA AND MY NEW CASE WORKER SHOW UP AND START TALKING BOUT HOW WE HAD TO GO BACK. SO BASICALLY THEY WAS JUST TAUNTING US WITH OUR FREEDOM. I DREADED THIS. IF ONLY MY FRIEND HAD COME A LIL ERALIER. I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE AND THE POLICE WOULD NOT HAVE CAUGHT ME AND WE COULD HAVE KICKED IT ALL DAY BT THEN I WOULD HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO PROSPER THE WAY I HAVE SO FAR. . .BT SHE DIDNT SO THEY TOOK ME AND JOSH BACK. SUPPOSEDLY B/C MY MOM WAS BEING EVICTED OR SOMETHING. AND THEY SAID THAT SHE WAS SELLING DRUGS. SO I HELD THIS ANGER IN FOR A VERY LONG TIME AN DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. SO I HAVE SOME VERY BAD ANGER ISSUES; EVEN THOUGH I GRADUATED FROM COUNSELING. BT I STILL HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT. I TEND TO HOLD IT ALL IN UNTIL ONE DAY I JUST LET IT GO ON SOMEBODY; BT THAT RARLEY OCCURS. WHEN I GOT BACK IN THE GROUP HOME THE MANAGER MRS. JOHNSON MADE ME THIS PROMISE THAT IF DIDNT NOBODY TAKE ME THEN SHE WOULD . WELL IF GOD DONT MAKE A WAY. I DNT KNOW WHO WILL. GOD IS SO UNPREDICTABLE. LATER ON THAT YEAR I ENDED UP GRADUALY GOING ON WEEKEND PASSES WITH MRS. JOHNSON. FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS; YET BC IAM SO SLIKK DIDNT NO BODY KNOW. THEN FINALLY ONE DAY I DIDNT GO TO SCHOOL AND I PACKED UP ALL MY STUFF. AND DROPPED IT OFF AT HER HOUSE AND THEN WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE. AND ACTED LIKE AINT NOTHING EVER HAPPEND AND THEN WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR MRS. JOHNSON TO LEAVE I LEFT LIKE USUAL WITH HER B/C IT WAS THE WEEKEND. SO AFTER THAT NOBODY ASKED NO QUESTIONS. I EVEN STAYED AT THE SAME SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF 8TH GRADE. AND I ALMOST DIDNT MAKE IT BT GOD MADE A WAY. I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH MY MOM{MRS.JOHNSON} FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS OR SO. AND IM ENJOYING LIFE AS A SOPHMORE; A "NORMAL" TEENAGE GIRL. NOW, I HAVE ALL HONOR CLASSES AND IM ON THE DANCE TEAM THE HBCU CLUB AND THE ART CLUB AND THE DEBATE CLUB. AND I OFTEN SEE MY BROTHERS WHO ARE DOING GREAT. JOSH IS GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND JACOB IS IN THE 2ND GRADE AND GREW HIS TEETH BACK HEHEHE. . . I LOVE AND MISS THE BOTH OF YOU! IF I HADNT GOT OUT OF CPS I DO NOT THINK THAT I WOULD BE WHERE I AM TODAY; PROBABLY DEAD OR IN JAIL, FOR RUNNING AWAY. MOST LIKELY. I MAKE GOOD GRADES AND AM VERY THANK FULL FOR EVERYONE IN MY LIFE GOOD AND BAD. B/C WITHOUT THEM I WOULD NOT BE WHO IAM TODAY .THANK YOU.. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT MY INSPIRATION ARE . . . I LOOK AT THEM WITH A STRAIGHT FACE AND SAY "MY PAST" IT REALLT HAS. NOW IAM TRYING TO BE FOCUSED ON GETING MY LIFE RIGHT WITH GOD... IT IS REALLY HARDER THAN WHAT PEOPLE MAKE OUT TO BE. BT IM TRYING TO CHANGE . . . THERE ARE ALOT OF THINGS THAT I DID NOT MENTION BUT IF YOU EMAIL ME I MAY GIVE A FEW REVELATIONS OR SO. PRAY FOR ME. . .
_kailtyn_
__
